Like many others, I share an ongoing theory that we can run, but we can never hide from ourselves. Wherever we go, there we are. When we hide our pain or shame in the dark, they tend to grow and deepen their roots inside us to which it becomes harder and harder to untangle and separate ourselves from them. After we understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy shame, we can recognize there is hope and purpose in our lives. The healthy shame reminds us of our potential. It empowers us to make changes if we choose to listen to it. The healthy shame comes from an intrinsic place that originates from our true self. For me, this kind of shame appears in the fidelity of my values. One of my values is the combination of security and self-sufficiency, so I make decisions aligning with this value. When I come short of meeting the value, my internal locus of control tugs at healthy shame to create discomfort for a chance at change. Letting me know, “You’re wayyyy off track, dude.”

Unhealthy shame is much more dubious. It has no bases in reality yet feels similar to the healthy shame calling out from our true self. Unhealthy shame can be found rooted in the extrinsic false self. This kind of shame can come from pressure by our society or parents. Overtime, it blends into our false identity so much so that it becomes something we try so hard to measure up to. But this type of shame is self-defeating – we can never be enough to meet its approval. This is a shame that truly does not belong to us. Rather, this kind of shame has absolutely nothing to do with us. Somewhere along the way, we absorbed the shame through the osmosis of our environment, and we continue to carry it every day even when it isn’t ours. A shame I carry that isn’t mine stems from my childhood. Home was unpredictable with the good and bad. I remember having these obsessive behaviors as a way to cope with the uncertainty. I truly thought if I did the behaviors, things at home would get better and when it didn’t, I felt a powerful and self-defeating sense of shame: I wasn’t doing enough.

There are a variety of unhealthy shame to look out for. Social shame is one that can be easier to striate from us if we searched hard enough. The unhealthy shame that is put on us by others (the outside) feels often times persistent, valid, and true (but it’s not). I identify with this area of shame the most. I resisted admitting that I am somewhere on the continuum of being a people-pleaser. But hey, I have come to a place where my view of that has shifted from negative to positive: I can say I care a lot about the happiness of others, AND I also care a lot about my happiness too. This unhealthy shame that came from extrinsic values were the shackles that hid my true self from me. “You must be nice, sweet, forgiving.” I lived life looking so much outward, searched for signs that I’ve met life’s ‘enoughness’. Well, no matter what I did to dimmer the unhealthy shame, I was running further and further away from my true self. 

There is an actual-self and a true-self. The actual-self is the person we show up as everyday. The true-self is the person who really wanted to say “No”, but her actual-self said “Yes” instead. This is the healthy shame that we should feel because in this moment, we are not standing up for ourselves. This is the good shame… Listen to that inner voice because it might save you a ton of heartache and headache.