Picture this: You and your partner have had a routine for the holidays for the last x years. Either it is with your family, their family, etc. You have a strong pull for something different this year. You envision a low-key, nuclear family, stress-free holiday experience with your partner and children/pets.

How would you even broach this conversation with your partner after years of consistency and predictability?

Well, let’s start with this. There is a difference between guilt and resentment. It’s better to feel guilt for standing up for your holiday vision than to have resentment toward your loved ones because you are, once again, busy traveling, perhaps not having a good time during the holidays due your sacrifices, and have no idea what ‘relaxing’ even means anymore. The conversation with your partner is a difficult conversation and a necessary one. Your nuclear family is important. You are important.

I recommend that you come from the ‘I’ position, “I feel..” “I want..” “I envision..” to make sure your perspective is received by your partner, whom you trust. Any changes to the holiday season is difficult because it is a culture that has been instilled in your partner’s experience. But there is nothing wrong with co-creating a different experience. It is actually quite thrilling.

Something to look out for: Are you and your partner aligned in how you value the idea of “family”? For some, family means ‘extended’ while for others, family means ‘nuclear.’ Whatever the meaning, alignment between you and your partner is of utmost importance, unless you want resentment and want to have your needs unmet for the next 5 years until you implode. If you need to hear this, then here it is: “There is no shame in not visiting your extended family during the holidays.”

If there is anything you should take away from this short article, it is this: What are your intentions for this holiday season? Are you and your family in need of a “slow-down”? In need of a contemplative season? Consider these questions and allow yourself to speak up for yourself. Western culture allows us to think of ourselves at times… even when we’re not used to it.