Our relationship isn’t perfect. We fight, yell, and sometimes slam doors (mostly me). At times during our fights, I’ll admit I have forgotten that we are on the same team and want the same things: to be heard, understood, and most of all, validated.
The worse thing we could do is “sweep the (fill in the blank) under the rug.” It could be a disagreement, a misunderstanding, or an underhanded comment. You see, I’m quite sensitive. This is hard for me admit since I’d prefer to think of myself as pretty understanding and forgiving. But when I think something isn’t bothering me, the resentment has a way of creeping out of me and becoming an insidious monster that slips into our relationship.
One thing pre-marital counseling has taught us to do is how to fight productively. John Gottman has it figured out. He says that couples use the Four Horsemen in arguments: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Criticism looks something like: “You’re always forgetful and never pay attention to anything I’m saying.” Yes, I have personally said this a few times in my relationship. Haven’t you? I think what you and I are really trying to say is: “It makes me feel less important when you forget the things I’ve said.” This lets them know how we feel and what they did to have us feeling this way. Contempt is similar to criticism, but it goes deeper than that. Contempt is in how you operate and interact with your partner; it’s assuming a position of moral superiority. Have you ever felt like someone talked down to you? That person would be considered as having contempt in the relationship. Defensiveness is just that. Defending yourself from criticisms that are thrown at you. You might be thinking “how else should I respond if my partner is criticizing me?” Good news is, there is another way of approaching a criticism that will help the fight forward, rather than leaving fight at a stalemate. Lastly, stonewalling. Silent treatment, ignoring, emotionally shutting down. According to research, these are the four predictors of a relationship heading the wrong way.
What to do instead:
Instead of criticizing, try framing it from your point of view. Let’s say your partner is talking about their day and have yet to ask you about yours. Now you feel isolated, unimportant. A good approach may be something like “I feel [hurt, sad, etc.] that I haven’t been able to talk about my day yet. Can we please talk about what happened with me today?” As the strategy recommends, begin with “I feel..” and lead it to “I need..” so your partner may have the opportunity to meet you where you’re at. NOTE: Try to stay away from saying “I feel like” because this has an insidious way of not actually sharing a feeling. Such as “I feel like all you do is talk about you.” This is a no-no.
The anecdote to contempt requires a little more work from within. Ask yourself and answer honestly: “Are you coming from a place of respect?” Contempt can look like sarcasm (in the ‘not funny’ way), eye-rolling, mockery. It is when we feel a certain cynicism and give into its knee-jerking effects. Gottman broke it down to a science. His research says the magic ratio is 5:1 of positive to negative interaction. A way to do that is (1) to take a little time to show appreciation, (2) show your partner you see their efforts, (3) compliment them whenever you can. Trust me, this really works. I try to compliment Brent as much as I could. Naturally because I’m his biggest fan, and also, I want to make sure I rack up enough points to mellow out any negativity I will, without a doubt, give him.
Being defensive is a natural reaction to criticism. I don’t blame you if you resort to this state when your partner is criticizing you. But the truth is, defending a criticism not only doesn’t move the argument forward, it leaves both of you feeling unheard. What you can do instead is simply take responsibility for your part of the conflict, even if it’s tearing you apart to admit it when you feel your partner is getting “the upper-hand.” Trust me, it’s hard for me to admit where I have faulted too, but I try to function on a trust that if we own our part, our partner will not kick us down, rather our partner will see that we CAN take responsibility and hopefully they’ll do the same.
Oh, stonewalling. The silent killer of the four horsemen. Stonewalling happens when one person shuts down, denies their partner of any emotional validation, and derails the argument. It might be counter-productive to realize this, but the anecdote to stonewalling is taking a time-out. This can look like: “Hey, I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and flooded right now. I don’t think I can think clearly. I think I need a time-out.” This is such powerful way to defuse a heated conversation; it will allow you to come back to the conversation with a clearer and calmer mind.
If you’ve gotten this far, it means there is a part of you truly interested in creating and having a healthier relationship. Though you should take everything I have with a grain of salt, the best recommendation I can give you is to find a therapist to help walk you and your partner through these four horsemen.
