Congratulations on your engagement! And if you are not engaged, congrats on your commitment to each other. This post is not just for the engaged couples. This is relatable for all relationships.
Relationships are a miracle: Two people deciding to commit to each other every single day. The miracle is that they love you back. For me, relationship is its own living organism that requires TLC to be long lasting. So like many couples out there, your relationship has its unique strengths and foundation, and one of the strengths you both most likely share is being strong minded with goals and visions. And that’s just one example. With that said, this is where pre-marital counseling fits in to all of it.
So we can agree that: (1) the relationship itself needs TLC so it can go for the long haul; (2) two people have their own personality so they have their differences; and (3) the relationship is most likely not flowers and butterflies everyday. This means getting counseling before you tie the knot will give you an even better understanding of your partner: how their past may show up in the future, the schemas they have that color their decisions, etc. And since you are always growing mentally, physically, and spiritually as people, there will be stages in your lives when you need help walking through some things. Not only will pre-marital counseling help you understand your partner, it may also help you navigate and find words you didn’t know you needed to communicate even better.
What to expect in therapy:
If you’re worried about the therapist taking sides, let me assure you they have a professional and ethical duty to approach you (the couple) as a unit. They are there to do no harm to the unit; rather they are there to guide the conversation and help the two of you acknowledge and understand different perspectives from one another. Pre-marital counseling may be my favorite type of counseling. Why? The couple is most likely happier and are typically without layers and resentment towards each other. Pre-marital counseling is a great way to get ahead of the game with the necessary TLC to nurture the relationship.
How to find a therapist:
Honestly, as easy as a google search. Psychologytoday.com is also very helpful. And if you have insurance, search through their listings.
What to ask a therapist:
Yes. What you’re thinking is correct: Finding a therapist is like dating. You don’t know if it’s a good fit until you speak to them on the phone or sit down with them for the first session. If you are uncertain, I suggest that first, decide if you would like to come in for just one session and see how you like it. As you talk, you’ll get a good sense for therapy. Then when you’re done, you can decide if the therapist is a good match and whether you’d like to continue.
What to expect:
Expect to share about your past: your childhood, relationships, etc. Be honest with this process. Even if you think the other person already knows everything, share it all. Let the therapist understand all angles. Over the next few weeks, there may be exercises for both of you to work on. This is really powerful as it will highlight so many things. During the weeks of therapy, the therapist may even ask if anything is going on at home so you can work on them together. Lastly, enjoy the process!